Tag Archives: Dr. Leroy Desfrites

Ask Leroy: Brexit or Bremain?

Professor Doctor Leroy Desfrites

Doctor Leroy Desfrites

Many Frogsiders readers have been finding the arguments for and against British membership of the EU confusing, uninformative, and boring.  We have invited Professor Dr Leroy Desfrites, the Frogsiders expert on everything, to answer some of your most urgent questions.

Question from Tarquin:

Dear Professor,  I have lived in France for several years but my car is still registered in Britain and I don’t speak any French except to order a beer or steak frites.  How should I vote in the referendum?

Bonjour Tarquin, Are you sure you are living in France?  Are you sure you are British?  I think maybe you a a bit too dumb to vote.  My advice to you is to stay put and watch the football.  Do not even consider voting.

Lady sings the blues - Nikki Yanofsky

Question from Miranda:

Hello Professor, Do you remember me?  We were very close friends once.  I am now a single mother living in France on a small income.  Will I lose my UK benefits and have to ask the father of my child for support if the UK leaves the EU?  

Bonjour Madame, I think you have me confused with some other person called Leroy Desfrites.  I don’t care how you vote and I suggest you return immediately to Britain.  Please don’t try to contact me again.

aaarghquizQuestion from Arthur:

Hey up, Prof, In the event of Brexit, should I consider claiming Romanian nationality in order to be able to stay in France with all the benefits of EU citizenship?  My grandmother was born there, so I think I can get a Romanian passport in return for only a small bribe.

Salut, Arthur, The danger of taking Romanian nationality is that you will have only a 50:50 chance of remaining out of jail.  Statistically 50% of your countrymen who settle in or visit France are locked up.  You should hope that Britain dos not leave the EU, and certainly vote Remain.

 

You invest your way - and I'll invest in mine!

Question from Jock:

Professor, I am Scottish. I want Scotland to leave the UK, but not the EU.  How should I vote?

Hello Jock, Do what the Scots have always done.  Take advantage of what seems to be the best opportunity to latch onto the most likely looking source of wealth and prosperity and vote tactically to achieve the result you want.  Hundreds of years ago Scotland was allied with France against the English, because you didn’t like them and obviously France was richer and had better wine.  Then the British built an Empire, and clearly it made sense to cash in on the wealth that could be stripped from it, so you joined with them in a Union, and your shipbuilding, textile, engineering, mining, distilling, publishing and other industries made fortunes from easy access to the British Empire.  Without this brilliant strategy your country would have been left behind to become the Albania of Northern Europe.

Scotland’s best bet now is to encourage the English to vote for Brexit, then call for an independence vote and become a province of Germany within the EU.  (You Scots could have done this years ago when Rudolf Hess flew to Scotland to negotiate just such a deal – but maybe you were wise not to at the time).

Of course, when you are all speaking German, the rest of the people of the British Isles will not understand anything you say.  So no change there, then.

french maidQuestion from Chantal:

Bonjour Prof, I am a poor French girl but want to live in UK where I hear there are a lot of opportunities for a girl with my physical talents.  Unfortunately I have no formal professional or academic qualifications.   If Britain votes for Brexit, how would I be able to get in under their proposed “points scheme” for immigrants?

Ah, Chantal, that is an easy one!  Just get in a rubber dinghy and paddle over to Dover.  Throw your passport away into the sea, and, when you get to England, tell them you are a refugee.  All your problems will be over.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dr. Desfrites Answers Your Questions!

by Dr. Professor Leroy Desfrites

Doctor Leroy Desfrites

Bonjour mes amis!

I am back from a long and exhausting lecture tour of South America.  It should not have been a long tour, as I was only booked to speak once – a talk on “Chaos Theory And Its Relevance vis-a-vis  the  Effects of Argentinian Corned Beef on  Climate Change”, at the People’s Free University of Fray Bentos.  Unfortunately I made an rather unwise and  possibly politically incorrect proposition to a mature but expensively dressed woman, who turned out to be Madame President Kirchner.  My suggestion of a quiet weekend, à deux, in my Falkland Islands holiday home, resulted in a stay of several weeks under house arrest at a remote Holiday Camp formerly owned by the Secret Police.

On my happy return to La Belle France I found a massive bag of unanswered mail, among which was the following question from one of my most dedicated fans, who wishes to remain anonymous  – let us call him Jean Deaux.

Jean asks: “Dear Dr. Lesfrites, When will house prices in France recover?”

But my dear Jean, house prices do not need to recover.  They have never fallen.  I have decided, for instance, to ask a higher price now, for my charming apartment in the picturesquely named fashionable Paris quartier of Clichy-Sous-Bois, than I was asking 2 years ago.  Clearly the price has increased!

Luxury Apartment For Sale - €1.5m

In fact, Jean, I am very happy to say that this substantial increase in the price of my house has made me feel much richer, as a result of which I am planning to call on my Bank Manager for a large loan, and to invest the money, through my brokers PMU,  on a promising horse that I have been told about.  I may even enjoy the extravagance of a coffee and a little Calvados as I watch the performance of my equine investment on the TV.

All I need now is a footballer, football club owner, or other person of huge wealth and great naivety to hand over several million euros for my slum luxury apartment!

I hope this answers your question, Jean, and helps you to understand how we of superior intellect are always the creators of wealth, while everyone else is condemned to a life of miserable poverty.  Enjoy!

Ask Leroy ~ Where is he?

Doctor Leroy Desfrites

Many of you have been asking why we have not heard recently from Frogsiders’ resident expert-on-everything, M. Leroy Desfrites.

To find out, we asked Leroy himself.

“Bonjour M. Desfrites.  Our readers have been asking where you have been.”

“Well, in fact, I have been here all the time.  And, by the way, I am now Dr. Desfrites, having recently received an Honorary Doctorate from the University of Stoke Newington, which, as you know, is a celebrated seat of learning, founded many years ago in London by King Tony The Blair, for my outstanding work on Climate Change .”

How interesting, Doctor.  We had not heard of your work in this area.  In simple layman’s terms, what conclusions did you draw from your study?”

“Climate Change – it is happening.”

“Er, yes, anything else?”

“It will continue to happen”

“Anything else?”

“No”

“Well, that is fascinating!  Now, to satisfy our curiosity further, can you tell us why Frogsiders’ readers have not heard from you recently?”

” Because they have not asked me any questions, of course!”

“I see.  Of course!  Well Dr. Desfrites, at least no-one can say you don’t answer every question that you are asked.  Thank you so much for your time”

Dr. Leroy Desfrites will answer any of your questions, so if there is anything puzzling you, anything that you need advice on, any question that you have on any subject, please do let us know, and Frogsiders will bring you Dr. Desfrites authoritative answer in full.

Please use the CONTACT US link here or at the top of the page to pose your question.