Many Frogsiders readers have been finding the arguments for and against British membership of the EU confusing, uninformative, and boring. We have invited Professor Dr Leroy Desfrites, the Frogsiders expert on everything, to answer some of your most urgent questions.
Question from Tarquin:
Dear Professor, I have lived in France for several years but my car is still registered in Britain and I don’t speak any French except to order a beer or steak frites. How should I vote in the referendum?
Bonjour Tarquin, Are you sure you are living in France? Are you sure you are British? I think maybe you a a bit too dumb to vote. My advice to you is to stay put and watch the football. Do not even consider voting.
Question from Miranda:
Hello Professor, Do you remember me? We were very close friends once. I am now a single mother living in France on a small income. Will I lose my UK benefits and have to ask the father of my child for support if the UK leaves the EU?
Bonjour Madame, I think you have me confused with some other person called Leroy Desfrites. I don’t care how you vote and I suggest you return immediately to Britain. Please don’t try to contact me again.
Hey up, Prof, In the event of Brexit, should I consider claiming Romanian nationality in order to be able to stay in France with all the benefits of EU citizenship? My grandmother was born there, so I think I can get a Romanian passport in return for only a small bribe.
Salut, Arthur, The danger of taking Romanian nationality is that you will have only a 50:50 chance of remaining out of jail. Statistically 50% of your countrymen who settle in or visit France are locked up. You should hope that Britain dos not leave the EU, and certainly vote Remain.
Question from Jock:
Professor, I am Scottish. I want Scotland to leave the UK, but not the EU. How should I vote?
Hello Jock, Do what the Scots have always done. Take advantage of what seems to be the best opportunity to latch onto the most likely looking source of wealth and prosperity and vote tactically to achieve the result you want. Hundreds of years ago Scotland was allied with France against the English, because you didn’t like them and obviously France was richer and had better wine. Then the British built an Empire, and clearly it made sense to cash in on the wealth that could be stripped from it, so you joined with them in a Union, and your shipbuilding, textile, engineering, mining, distilling, publishing and other industries made fortunes from easy access to the British Empire. Without this brilliant strategy your country would have been left behind to become the Albania of Northern Europe.
Scotland’s best bet now is to encourage the English to vote for Brexit, then call for an independence vote and become a province of Germany within the EU. (You Scots could have done this years ago when Rudolf Hess flew to Scotland to negotiate just such a deal – but maybe you were wise not to at the time).
Of course, when you are all speaking German, the rest of the people of the British Isles will not understand anything you say. So no change there, then.
Bonjour Prof, I am a poor French girl but want to live in UK where I hear there are a lot of opportunities for a girl with my physical talents. Unfortunately I have no formal professional or academic qualifications. If Britain votes for Brexit, how would I be able to get in under their proposed “points scheme” for immigrants?
Ah, Chantal, that is an easy one! Just get in a rubber dinghy and paddle over to Dover. Throw your passport away into the sea, and, when you get to England, tell them you are a refugee. All your problems will be over.