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Ask Leroy: Brexit or Bremain?

Professor Doctor Leroy Desfrites

Doctor Leroy Desfrites

Many Frogsiders readers have been finding the arguments for and against British membership of the EU confusing, uninformative, and boring.  We have invited Professor Dr Leroy Desfrites, the Frogsiders expert on everything, to answer some of your most urgent questions.

Question from Tarquin:

Dear Professor,  I have lived in France for several years but my car is still registered in Britain and I don’t speak any French except to order a beer or steak frites.  How should I vote in the referendum?

Bonjour Tarquin, Are you sure you are living in France?  Are you sure you are British?  I think maybe you a a bit too dumb to vote.  My advice to you is to stay put and watch the football.  Do not even consider voting.

Lady sings the blues - Nikki Yanofsky

Question from Miranda:

Hello Professor, Do you remember me?  We were very close friends once.  I am now a single mother living in France on a small income.  Will I lose my UK benefits and have to ask the father of my child for support if the UK leaves the EU?  

Bonjour Madame, I think you have me confused with some other person called Leroy Desfrites.  I don’t care how you vote and I suggest you return immediately to Britain.  Please don’t try to contact me again.

aaarghquizQuestion from Arthur:

Hey up, Prof, In the event of Brexit, should I consider claiming Romanian nationality in order to be able to stay in France with all the benefits of EU citizenship?  My grandmother was born there, so I think I can get a Romanian passport in return for only a small bribe.

Salut, Arthur, The danger of taking Romanian nationality is that you will have only a 50:50 chance of remaining out of jail.  Statistically 50% of your countrymen who settle in or visit France are locked up.  You should hope that Britain dos not leave the EU, and certainly vote Remain.

 

You invest your way - and I'll invest in mine!

Question from Jock:

Professor, I am Scottish. I want Scotland to leave the UK, but not the EU.  How should I vote?

Hello Jock, Do what the Scots have always done.  Take advantage of what seems to be the best opportunity to latch onto the most likely looking source of wealth and prosperity and vote tactically to achieve the result you want.  Hundreds of years ago Scotland was allied with France against the English, because you didn’t like them and obviously France was richer and had better wine.  Then the British built an Empire, and clearly it made sense to cash in on the wealth that could be stripped from it, so you joined with them in a Union, and your shipbuilding, textile, engineering, mining, distilling, publishing and other industries made fortunes from easy access to the British Empire.  Without this brilliant strategy your country would have been left behind to become the Albania of Northern Europe.

Scotland’s best bet now is to encourage the English to vote for Brexit, then call for an independence vote and become a province of Germany within the EU.  (You Scots could have done this years ago when Rudolf Hess flew to Scotland to negotiate just such a deal – but maybe you were wise not to at the time).

Of course, when you are all speaking German, the rest of the people of the British Isles will not understand anything you say.  So no change there, then.

french maidQuestion from Chantal:

Bonjour Prof, I am a poor French girl but want to live in UK where I hear there are a lot of opportunities for a girl with my physical talents.  Unfortunately I have no formal professional or academic qualifications.   If Britain votes for Brexit, how would I be able to get in under their proposed “points scheme” for immigrants?

Ah, Chantal, that is an easy one!  Just get in a rubber dinghy and paddle over to Dover.  Throw your passport away into the sea, and, when you get to England, tell them you are a refugee.  All your problems will be over.

 

 

 

 

 

 

How Louis XIV’s Anal Misfortune Gave Birth To The British National Anthem

Tout commence en janvier 1686, où Louis XIV tombe subitement malade.

Il semble qu’il se soit piqué en s’asseyant sur une plume des coussins qui garnissaient son carrosse déclenchant un abcès à l’anus, qu’il aurait fallu immédiatement inciser pour éviter que la blessure ne s’infecte. Mais les médecins du roi, épouvantés à l’idée de porter la main sur le fondement de la monarchie, optèrent pour des médecines douces, type onguents. Ces méthodes ne donnèrent aucun résultat.

Tout cela dura près de 4 mois et les douleurs royales ne cessaient pas !

Brusquement, vers le 15 mai, les chirurgiens, verts de peur, soupçonnèrent l’existence d’une fistule. Ce fut l’affolement général. Finalement, le 1er chirurgien Félix de Tassy (appelé simplement FELIX) décide d’inciser et “invente” un petit couteau spécial, véritable pièce d’orfèvrerie dont la lame était recouverte d’une chape d’argent.

Mais il fallut encore 5 mois pour fabriquer ce petit bijou…

L’opération eut lieu le 17 novembre– sans anesthésie ! Il faudra encore 2 autres incisions (la plaie ayant du mal à se refermer pour cicatriser) pour qu’enfin, à la Noël 1686, on puisse déclarer que le roi était définitivement sorti d’affaire…et mettre fin aux rumeurs qui, à l’étranger, se propageaient disant que Louis XIV était à l’agonie.

Dès l’heureuse issue de l’intervention connue, des prières furent dites dans le royaume et les dames de Saint Cyr (création de Mme deMaintenon devenue épouse morganatique) décidèrent de composer un cantique pour célébrer la guérison du roi.

La supérieure, Mme de Brinon (nièce de Mme de Maintenon) écrivit alors quelques vers assez anodins qu’elle donna à mettre en musique à Jean-Baptiste Lully :

Grand Dieu sauve le roi !
Longs jours à notre roi !
Vive le roi . A lui victoire,
Bonheur et gloire !
Qu’il ait un règne heureux
Et l’appui des cieux !

Les demoiselles de Saint Cyr prirent l’habitude de chanter ce petit cantique de circonstance chaque fois que le roi venait visiter leur école.

C’est ainsi qu’un jour de 1714, le compositeur Georg Friedrich Haendel, de passage à Versailles, entendit ce cantique qu’il trouva si beau qu’ il en nota aussitôt les paroles et la musique. Après quoi, il se rendit à Londres où il demanda à un clergyman nommé Carrey de lui traduire le petit couplet de Mme de Brinon.

Le brave prêtre s’exécuta sur le champ et écrivit ces paroles qui allaient faire le tour du monde :

God save our gracious King,
Long live our noble King,
God save the King!
Send him victorious
Happy and glorious
Long to reign over us,
God save the King !

Haendel remercia et alla immédiatement à la cour où il offrit au roi – comme étant son oeuvre – le cantique des demoiselles de Saint Cyr.

Très flatté, George 1er félicita le compositeur et déclara que, dorénavant, le “God save the King” serait exécuté lors des cérémonies officielles.

Et c’est ainsi que cet hymne, qui nous paraît profondément britannique, est né de la collaboration :

– d’une Française (Mme de Brinon),

– d’un Italien (Jean-Baptiste Lully -ou Lulli-) naturalisé français,

– d’un Anglais (Carrey),

– d’un Allemand (Georg Friedrich Händel -ou Haendel-) naturalisé britannique, et …..

d’un trou du cul Français, celui de sa Majesté Louis XIV.

Un hymne européen, en fait !

Si Louis XIV ne s’était pas mis, par mégarde, une plume dans le « derrière », quel serait aujourd’hui l’hymne britannique ?… Pourrez-vous désormais écouter “God save the Queen” sans penser à cette petite plume ?…

Or to put it more plainly, the British National Anthem, that doleful, obsequious, forelock-tugging dirge, originated from an infection in Louis XIV’s bum. A royal pain in the arse – how very appropriate!

With thanks to the French person who supplied this information. And to the Journal du Lycée René Cassin where you can read the story.

Is Carbon Dioxide worse than Satan?

atmosphere

When one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity; when many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion.”

(Attributed to Robert Pirsig)

These 3 questions need to be answered in this order of priority:

  1. Is climate changing globally?  (There has been no measurable warming for 19 years, and zero increase in the frequency, scale or intensity of extreme weather events)

  2. If climate is changing globally, is anthropogenic CO2 the cause?  (Emissions caused by human activity have been rising, though they are still only a tiny proportion of the total of atmospheric CO2)

  3. If climate is changing globally, does the change present a danger to human life?  (So far, even after many years of  dire predictions from the UN’s IPCC, there is no evidence whatever that human life is threatened either by climate change or increasing CO2 levels.)

Catastrophic Anthropogenic Global Warming – It is just another religion – isn’t it?


Local Website Developer reports booming business

Local website designer Patrick Hay says he is delighted with a recent rush of orders for new websites.  With 12 years of website development behind him , Patrick believes he may be one of the most experienced website creators in the region, and claims that all his clients are referred to him by word of mouth.

Le-Tearoom website designed by Patrick Hay

“I commissioned a website for my own marketing business back in the 1990s,” he said, “It cost a lot and I was never really satisfied with it, so when I needed a site for my gite holiday business in 2003, I decided to use my own experience in marketing and advertising together with my ability to use computers for design work.  The result was that I got a site that really did the job I wanted it to do, rather than a flashy design stuffed with distracting gimmicks.  Now I try always to provide my clients with the same focus on their objectives, and an emphasis on pared down functionality rather than showing off with trick graphics.”

You can judge yourselves by checking out his two latest sites Peter Wyart Art, and Le Tearoom, both of which are businesses based in the Pas De Calais region.

What’s next?  Patrick says he is currently working on a site for a well-known London-based film producer.

If you need a website for yourself or your business contact Patrick on 03 21 05 19 77

Was 2012 the weirdest year for weather?

by Geoffrey Dobson

Roger Harrabin is the Environment Analyst for the BBC, and maintains close links with green organisations like the World Wildlife Fund and the Tyndall Centre. In 2006 he organized the “28-gate” meeting of BBC executives with climate change activists at which they decided that only positive messages about the “Anthropogenic Global Warming” theory should be broadcast on the BBC. No skeptic scientists were invited to that meeting, after which the BBC decided that it was in the public interest to exclude any skeptic opinion from broadcasts.

On October 18 2012 Harrabin wrote this:

<<The UK has experienced its “weirdest” weather on record in the past few months, scientists say. The driest spring for over a century gave way to the wettest recorded April to June in a dramatic turnaround never documented before. The scientists said there was no evidence that the weather changes were a result of Man-made climate change. But experts from three bodies warned the UK must plan for periodic swings of drought conditions and flooding. The warning came from the Environment Agency, Met Office and Centre for Ecology & Hydrology (CEH) at a joint briefing in London. Terry Marsh, from the CEH, said there was no close modern precedent for the extraordinary switch in river flows. The nearest comparison was 1903 but this year was, he said, truly remarkable. >>

And on January 17th 2013 he wrote:

<<The UK Chief Scientist tells me weather extremes now worry scientists as much or more than overall global warming. “If this gets worse, how are farmers going to operate?” he asks. Yet at the same time there’s a relentless spread of climate confusion in parts of the media. The Met Office, a world-leading purveyor of climate information, recently suffered reputational damage that will increase public confusion over whether climate change is important at all. Scientists have been puzzling for some time over exactly what combination of factors is preventing the earth getting even warmer – maybe changes in solar activity, ocean currents or emissions of aerosol pollution. >>

"For the next hundred years the weather will be perfectly normal, but UK Met Office long-term climate predictions will become more and more divorced from reality - just like me"

Harrabin makes contradictory statements in the above two reports. In the first he admits that “The scientists said there was no evidence that the weather changes were a result of Man-made change”, and then Continue reading “Was 2012 the weirdest year for weather?” »

Another Impossible Quiz!

You might remember a fiendishly difficult quiz that was set by Graham Hughes for Frogsider readers 2 years ago.  Well, he’s done it again.

It seems nothing can stop Graham from taking delight in torturing innocent people who only want to spend a little time over Christmas taking part in a harmless family intellectual entertainment.  Be warned!  This quiz is not for anyone of a nervous disposition.  Any attempt to find all the answers to Graham’s questions might lead to you spending Christmas and New Year under sedation and round-the-clock medical care.

But, if you are determined to try to do yourselves serious brain damage, click this link to download the Quiz questions. Frogsiders will not be responsible for the consequences.

The aim of the quiz, by the way, is to raise money for the Anglican Church in the Pas De Calais.

Dr. Desfrites Answers Your Questions!

by Dr. Professor Leroy Desfrites

Doctor Leroy Desfrites

Bonjour mes amis!

I am back from a long and exhausting lecture tour of South America.  It should not have been a long tour, as I was only booked to speak once – a talk on “Chaos Theory And Its Relevance vis-a-vis  the  Effects of Argentinian Corned Beef on  Climate Change”, at the People’s Free University of Fray Bentos.  Unfortunately I made an rather unwise and  possibly politically incorrect proposition to a mature but expensively dressed woman, who turned out to be Madame President Kirchner.  My suggestion of a quiet weekend, à deux, in my Falkland Islands holiday home, resulted in a stay of several weeks under house arrest at a remote Holiday Camp formerly owned by the Secret Police.

On my happy return to La Belle France I found a massive bag of unanswered mail, among which was the following question from one of my most dedicated fans, who wishes to remain anonymous  – let us call him Jean Deaux.

Jean asks: “Dear Dr. Lesfrites, When will house prices in France recover?”

But my dear Jean, house prices do not need to recover.  They have never fallen.  I have decided, for instance, to ask a higher price now, for my charming apartment in the picturesquely named fashionable Paris quartier of Clichy-Sous-Bois, than I was asking 2 years ago.  Clearly the price has increased!

Luxury Apartment For Sale - €1.5m

In fact, Jean, I am very happy to say that this substantial increase in the price of my house has made me feel much richer, as a result of which I am planning to call on my Bank Manager for a large loan, and to invest the money, through my brokers PMU,  on a promising horse that I have been told about.  I may even enjoy the extravagance of a coffee and a little Calvados as I watch the performance of my equine investment on the TV.

All I need now is a footballer, football club owner, or other person of huge wealth and great naivety to hand over several million euros for my slum luxury apartment!

I hope this answers your question, Jean, and helps you to understand how we of superior intellect are always the creators of wealth, while everyone else is condemned to a life of miserable poverty.  Enjoy!

Macmillan Cancer Care Coffee Morning

Jeremy and Anne Towler

invite you to

a fund raising coffee morning

in aid of

Macmillan Cancer Care

on friday September 28th.

10.00 hours until midday

at

10 chemin de la Forêt, 62270

Boubers sur Canche.

5€ at the door to include Coffee, tea, Home made cakes and biscuits ad infinitum.

Tombola, Gift Stall and Book exchange.

We hope you will join us.

Please forward this to all your friends and colleagues (or use the Facebook “Share” button, below).

PS, Do not forget that there will be a “Pink Soiree” on Friday October 19th.

19.00 – 21.00 hours in the Centre Culturel, Arras in aid of Breast Cancer Research, France.

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